In a previous article, we talked about the possibility that you might be dating an “onion” (aka, someone who makes you cry). But, have you ever thought that maybe the onion in your relationship is actually…you? Admitting that you might be the problem is going to be hard, but it’s a really important step to take. Let’s see some of the reasons why you might be the onion in your relationship and how you can turn over a new leaf (or, onion layer 😉).
The Key Takeaway.
Don’t let the onion label get you down. It’s not a life sentence, it’s an opportunity to grow, to heal, and to become the best version of yourself. Being the onion is really not about accepting blame or dwelling on the things you have done, it’s more about being aware of those behaviors and patterns and committing very well to change.
Signs You Might Be the Onion in Your Relationship.
- If your partner feels drained or hurt after talking to you, it could be because you’re being too dismissive, critical, or emotionally distant. ONION!
- If you always find a way to blame the other person, downplay their feelings, or justify bad behavior, you’re an onion.
- You manipulate without meaning to. Using guilt, being passive-aggressive, or giving ultimatums (like “If you loved me, you’d do this”) is a major red onion flag.
- If you have frequent mood swings, shut down when things get serious, or lash out, it makes the relationship unstable.
- You have a lot of walls up. You see, onions have layers, and so do people. If you find it hard to open up or let people get close, you might be pushing your partner away. Which is a typical ONION behavior.
Why You Might Be Acting Like an Onion.
- Past Trauma: Many onions are born from pain. Unhealed wounds from childhood, past relationships, or life experiences can make you defensive, guarded, or even hurtful.
- Fear of Rejection: Sometimes, we hurt others before they have the chance to hurt us. This fear of rejection can lead to self-sabotaging (onion) behaviors in relationships.
- Low Self-Esteem: If you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s easy to project that insecurity onto your partner. Constantly seeking validation or pushing them away might be your way of protecting yourself.
- Unrealistic Expectations: Do you expect your partner to fulfill every emotional need or to “fix” you? This pressure strains even the strongest relationships.
How Can You Stop Being the Onion?
We’ve spotted the onion. Thank God! What do you do now?
- The first step to getting better is recognizing that your actions are hurting your partner.
- Have an open conversation with your partner, and really hear them out. Instead of arguing or making excuses, try to understand their perspective. This would probably be hard for you, but try as best as you possibly could to just listen.
- Go to therapy. If therapy isn’t an option, try learning about emotional intelligence, watching self-improvement videos, Ted talks, or even talking to someone you trust.
- If you tend to lash out, shut down, or overreact, try mindfulness, deep breathing, or journaling. Tell you what, controlling your emotions makes a relationship feel safer.
- You have messed up, own it. No excuses, no “but you did this too.” Nothing. Just a real, sincere apology followed by actions to improve.
- Sometimes, people act like onions because they don’t feel good about themselves. Do you feel good about yourself? The more you accept and love yourself, the less likely you are an onion.
- Growth takes time, unlearning toxic onion behaviors is a process that takes time. Focus on the small wins and keep moving forward.
Do Onions Know They’re Onions?
Most onions don’t realize they’re onions. Instead, they think they’re just misunderstood, protecting themselves, or even the victim in every situation. But self-awareness is always the first step toward change.
Ask yourself:
- Do people often tell you that your words or actions hurt them?
Do you struggle to understand or care about how your partner feels? - When there’s a conflict, do you immediately blame the other person instead of looking at your own actions?
If you answered yes to any of these, you might want to start working against being the onion in your relationship.
How Your Onion Behavior Affects Your Partner.
Being in a relationship with an onion is VERY exhausting. Even if you don’t mean to, your actions can make your partner feel emotional drained, insecure or even resent you. Over time, it leads to frustration, distance, and even the end of the relationship.
How Can You Peel Your Own Layers?
Peeling back the layers of an onion is getting to the root of your behavior. Ask yourself:
- Why do I act this way?
- Are my actions rooted in fear, insecurity, or past trauma?
- How do I usually respond when I feel triggered or uncomfortable?
By The Way, There’s A Fine Line Between Being an Onion and Being Human.
Being an onion doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person, it just means you have habits that are hurting your partner. There’s a big difference between being human and being an onion.
- Being human is forgetting an anniversary or saying something wrong in the heat of the moment. Mistakes happen, and that’s okay.
- Being an onion is constantly dismissing your partner’s feelings, manipulating them, or refusing to change toxic behaviors. That’s not okay.
The good news is that you can change. You need to recognize the problem, take responsibility, and put in the effort to grow.
