What Is Demisexuality? Complete Guide to Signs, Science & Relationships

Last Updated on June 16, 2025 by Grace Oluchi

TLDR:

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where individuals only experience sexual attraction after forming deep emotional bonds. Unlike typical attraction patterns, demisexual people need emotional intimacy first – it’s not a choice, but a natural orientation affecting how they connect with others. This comprehensive guide covers everything from scientific research to personal experiences and practical relationship advice.

What is Demisexuality? (Quick Answer)

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only feel sexual attraction after developing a strong emotional connection with someone. Recent research shows demisexual individuals don’t experience “primary sexual attraction” based on appearance, but only “secondary sexual attraction” that develops after emotional bonding.

Think of it as needing the key of emotional intimacy to unlock sexual attraction. For demisexual people, trust, emotional security, and deep conversations form the foundation of desire – not physical appearance or instant chemistry.

Key Signs You Might Be Demisexual:

• You rarely feel attracted to strangers or people you don’t know well
• Sexual attraction develops slowly over time as you get closer to someone
• You need emotional trust before physical intimacy feels right
• “Love at first sight” doesn’t happen for you
• You prefer deep conversations over casual flirting

The Science Behind Demisexuality

Demisexuality is a profound aspect of human attraction centered on emotional bonds, with studies showing that nearly 25% of individuals prioritize deep emotional connections over physical attraction in relationships. Unlike conventional norms, demisexual individuals require a deep emotional connection before experiencing sexual attraction.

The Science Behind It

A 2024 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior by Nimbi et al. examined “Deepening Sexual Desire and Erotic Fantasies Research in the ACE Spectrum” (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38212438/) and found clear differences in how asexual, demisexual, and gray-asexual individuals experience attraction. The research looked at responses from 1,442 demisexual participants and showed distinct patterns in how sexual desire develops.

Research published in NCBI’s PMC database on “Asexuality, Graysexuality, and Demisexuality: Distinctions in Desire, Behavior, and Identity” (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34919461/) found that demisexual individuals had unique behavioral and identity markers compared to other orientations on the asexuality spectrum.

Neuroscience research on attachment styles shows that differences in social bonding activate different brain networks tied to trust and emotional security. A study on “The Temporal Stability of Lack of Sexual Attraction across Young Adulthood” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5443108/) gives us data showing that demisexual orientation stays consistent over time.

Research tells us that oxytocin (the “bonding hormone”) plays a big role in forming emotional connections before attraction develops. Studies looking at “The Neurobiology of Attachment to Nurturing and Abusive Caregivers” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3774302/) show that childhood experiences work with genetics to change brain structure and function, especially in attachment systems.

Scientists have found that people with strong emotional needs in relationships may activate different areas of the brain tied to trust and attachment before experiencing attraction. This could explain why demisexuals need emotional intimacy first. Rather than reacting to visual cues or physical attributes, their attraction is closely connected to psychological connection and mutual understanding.

Studies published in the Journal of Sex Research show that individuals with secure attachment styles tend to prioritize emotional bonds over casual attraction. This scientific view supports the idea that demisexuality is a natural orientation rather than a personal choice.

A Brief History of Demisexuality

The term “demisexuality” emerged in the early 2000s, largely due to online discussions about asexuality and graysexuality, coinciding with key moments in LGBTQ+ rights movements that expanded recognition of diverse sexual orientations. While the concept has existed for centuries, it lacked the language needed for self-identification.

Before this, individuals who did not experience instant attraction may have felt “different” without knowing why. As awareness of diverse sexual orientations expanded, demisexuality gained recognition as a distinct identity within the broader LGBTQ+ spectrum. Historical accounts suggest that many figures who prioritized deep emotional connections before attraction may have identified as demisexual had the term existed earlier.

The internet played a big role in this recognition, allowing people to find communities that validated their experiences. Online forums and support groups gave demisexual individuals a space to share their stories, helping to normalize their orientation.

Recent analysis from Wikipedia’s review (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demisexuality) shows demisexuality has become a common theme in romantic literature, sometimes called “compulsory demisexuality,” where emotional connection comes before physical attraction. The 2019 Ace Community Survey (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gray_asexuality) reported that 9% of asexual individuals identified as demisexual, showing its growing recognition within LGBTQ+ communities.

Personal Narratives: The Demisexual Experience

To really understand demisexuality, personal stories offer great insight, showing how cultural backgrounds and societal norms shape individual experiences. Here are two real-life experiences from individuals who identify as demisexual:

Sophia, 28

“For years, I thought something was wrong with me because I never felt attraction the way my friends did. They would talk about how ‘hot’ someone was, and I just didn’t get it. It wasn’t until I formed a deep emotional connection with my best friend that I realized—this is what attraction feels like for me. Finding the term ‘demisexual’ was like finding a missing piece of my identity.”

Ethan, 34

“I used to force myself into casual dating, thinking I’d eventually ‘catch up’ with everyone else. But attraction never came easily to me unless I truly connected with someone on a deep level. Learning about demisexuality helped me understand that my experience is valid and normal. Now, I embrace relationships at my own pace.”

Stories like these show the reality of demisexual experiences, validating those who may feel different but don’t yet have the language to describe it.

Where Does Demisexuality Fall on the Sexuality Spectrum?

Demisexuality is often positioned between asexuality and allosexuality (experiencing frequent sexual attraction). Demisexual individuals don’t experience primary sexual attraction based on immediately observable characteristics, but only secondary sexual attraction after emotional bond development.

The length of time needed to create an emotional bond varies significantly - some demisexual people develop close bonds quickly, while others need several years of friendship.

Understanding this spectrum helps differentiate demisexuality from other orientations, ensuring it is neither dismissed nor confused with abstinence or celibacy.

How to Recognize Demisexuality: Complete Signs Checklist

Primary Indicators of Demisexuality:

Emotional Connection Required

• You cannot feel sexually attracted to someone you don’t know well
• Physical appearance alone never triggers attraction
• You need weeks, months, or years to develop feelings
• Celebrity crushes or attraction to strangers doesn’t happen

Relationship Pattern Recognition

• Your best relationships started as friendships
• You prefer getting to know someone’s personality first
• Dating apps feel overwhelming or pointless
• One-night stands hold no appeal

Social and Dating Differences

• Friends’ discussions about “hotness” confuse you
• You don’t understand instant physical attraction
• You take relationships very slowly
• Trust must be established before any physical intimacy

Internal Experience Markers

• You’ve felt “broken” or different regarding attraction
• You question if you’re asexual but do experience attraction eventually
• You prioritize emotional compatibility over physical chemistry
• You need deep conversations to feel connected

Dating and Relationships as a Demisexual Person

For Demisexual Individuals:

Communication is Key

• Be upfront about needing time to develop attraction
• Explain that it’s not about them personally
• Set boundaries around physical intimacy

Dating Strategy

• Focus on friendship-building activities
• Choose partners who value emotional connection
• Consider friend groups over dating apps

Self-Care

• Don’t pressure yourself to feel attraction quickly
• Validate your own timeline and needs
• Find supportive communities online or locally

For Partners of Demisexual People:

Understanding and Patience

• Respect their need for emotional bonding before intimacy
• Don’t take slower physical progression personally
• Communicate openly about relationship expectations

Building Connection

• Focus on emotional intimacy first
• Engage in real conversations
• Share personal experiences and vulnerabilities

Common Misconceptions About Demisexuality

Myth: “Demisexuality is just being picky”

Reality: It’s a real orientation with brain-based reasons, not a personal preference.

Myth: “Everyone needs emotional connection”

Reality: Most people can feel attracted without knowing someone well. Demisexuals cannot.

Myth: “It’s the same as wanting commitment”

Reality: Demisexuality is about when attraction happens, not relationship goals.

Myth: “Demisexuals are afraid of sex”

Reality: They experience sexual attraction and desire, just with different triggers.

Myth: “It’s a phase or choice”

Reality: Like other orientations, demisexuality is part of someone’s identity.

Final Thoughts

Demisexuality shows us the depth of human connection. In a fast-paced world that often focuses on surface-level attraction, demisexual individuals remind us that the heart, mind, and soul matter just as much (if not more) than physical appearance. By understanding and accepting diverse orientations, we move toward a society that values love in all its forms.

This orientation challenges traditional ideas of desire, proving that intimacy goes beyond physical appeal. By prioritizing emotional intimacy, demisexuals celebrate the beauty of connections that go beyond surface-level attraction, much like how asexuality and allosexuality represent different experiences on the spectrum of desire.

Through this article, we aim to build understanding and acceptance of demisexuality. Recognizing diverse experiences in attraction helps build a more inclusive world, where every form of connection is valid.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Is demisexuality the same as being asexual?

No, demisexuality falls between asexuality and allosexuality. Asexual individuals do not experience sexual attraction, while demisexual individuals do—but only after forming an emotional bond.

Can a demisexual person be in a long-term relationship?

Yes! Demisexual individuals can have fulfilling relationships, just like anyone else. They prioritize emotional intimacy before experiencing attraction.

Is demisexuality a choice or a preference?

No, demisexuality is an intrinsic sexual orientation, not a lifestyle choice or preference.

How can I support a demisexual partner?

Respect their need for emotional bonding before intimacy, and communicate openly about relationship expectations.

Does demisexuality mean someone is against casual relationships?

Not necessarily. While many demisexual individuals prefer deeper connections, some may engage in casual dating if emotional trust develops over time.

How long does it take for demisexual people to feel attraction?

It varies greatly – some develop emotional bonds within weeks, while others need months or years of friendship before attraction develops.

Can demisexual people use dating apps?

Yes, but many find success by focusing on apps that prioritize personality and values over appearance, or by being upfront about needing time to develop attraction.

Resources and Support

Professional Resources:

• Demisexuality Resource Center: Complete guide with community support (https://demisexuality.org/articles/what-is-demisexuality/)
• Cleveland Clinic – Demisexuality Guide: Medical perspective and FAQs (https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22678-demisexuality)
• University of Wisconsin Research Guide: Academic resources and databases (https://researchguides.library.wisc.edu/c.php?g=716757&p=5101681)
• Healthline Demisexuality Guide: Health-focused information and support (https://www.healthline.com/health/demisexual)
• Verywell Mind Guide: Psychology-based understanding (https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-demisexual-5082519)

Online Communities:

• AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network)
• Reddit communities: r/demisexuality, r/asexual
• Facebook groups for demisexual individuals

Books and Further Reading:

• “The Invisible Orientation” by Julie Sondra Decker
• “Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex” by Angela Chen

References and Studies

1. Nimbi, F. M., Appia, C., Tanzilli, A., Giovanardi, G., & Lingiardi, V. (2024). Deepening Sexual Desire and Erotic Fantasies Research in the ACE Spectrum: Comparing the Experiences of Asexual, Demisexual, Gray-Asexual, and Questioning People. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 53(3), 1031-1045. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38212438/
2. Kelleher, S., Murphy, M., & Murphy, R. (2025). Variations in Sexual Identity Milestones Among Asexual People. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 54(2), 561-573. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34919461/
3. McCormack, M., & Wignall, L. (2017). The Temporal Stability of Lack of Sexual Attraction across Young Adulthood. PMC, PMC5443108. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5443108/
4. Teicher, M. H., & Samson, J. A. (2013). The Neurobiology of Attachment to Nurturing and Abusive Caregivers. PMC, PMC3774302. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3774302/
5. Olsson, A., & Ochsner, K. N. (2008). The role of social cognition in emotion. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 12(2), 65-71. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3398354/
6. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience. (2024). A brief historic overview of sexual and gender diversity in neuroscience: Past, present, and future. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/human-neuroscience/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2024.1414396/full
7. Journal of Sex Research – LGBTQ+ Studies and Sexual Identity Research
8. Neuroscience of Emotional Bonds – Attachment Theory in Romantic Relationships